Archive for the ‘Out Of Control’ Category

h1

O’ Levels Press Release

2007 February 5, 7:28 pm

According to the Singapore Examination And Assessment Board (SEAB), the O’ Levels examination results will be released this Friday at 2pm. I’m thoroughly overwhelmed by this information; the results will determine my very near future.

Since last week I’ve been having nightmares about the above. Furthermore, I dreamt about being chased around by the disciplinarian which ended in me running to a dead-end. Fortunately enough I awoke before I was caught.

Breathe, breathe, breathe…

– Logish

h1

Overeat And Itch

2007 January 31, 4:05 am

My eyes are in tremendous danger of shutting soon but despite so, I cannot yet sleep; I confess myself to be overeating rather consistently. The stomach craves for a little more, making you mistake it for hunger and thinking it’d be the last bite. However, just as in procrastination, the last bite never comes.

Actually, I can think of more things that follow the same logic -an itch, for example, which is now afflicting my body. The quietly professed ‘last’ scratch never is the last. Hopefully the itch stops when I’m ready to slumber.

It is no wish of mine though to become fat and have sores on my skin. I need to reduce the eating and scratching. To aid in not overeating, I think I ought to print out my life list; especially number four on the list: “Lose weight, especially my big arse!”

– Logish

h1

Prejudice Is Ignorance

2007 January 26, 1:10 am

Why heed I, the words of the prejudiced. Is it not true that fear spawns hate, while ignorance is the root of fear. Therefore a person who fears and hate, is motivated by ignorance.

I must neither fault myself for what is, nor for what isn’t. Renounce me if deemed neccessary, I cannot influence your choice. Pain and curse me with whatever you please, despite the fact it was a Hobson’s choice. I have to resign to it.

Let fantasy course through my veins and take me over. It is my only release. Alas, to what extent is a friend, a friend?

“Your blood, like ice” -Alice Cooper

– Logish

h1

Life Reclaimed

2007 January 25, 1:47 am

After about two weeks of angst and then acknowledging it the night before, I am quite sure it is now gone. When one is so obsessively angsty in a situation and spares no time to think objectively, the consequences will no doubt be undesirable.

Obviously I have failed my first goal on the life list but I refuse to give up. Where motivation fails thy mind, the only thing hence left to do is to persist.

Anyway, pray that I’d be able to contact-juggle. I’ve been trying it with a small ball with some progress. I intend to get the proper-sized one next month, or so I hope.

– Logish

h1

Relapse Of Mild Depression

2007 January 24, 5:32 am

Given what had happened in recent weeks, I seem to have sunken into mild depression. I can’t think clearly, tears seem to be on the verge of spilling, no sense of time; just like before.

Take me away… Breathe…

My wants are my curse; my needs are my death. No longer do I want to feel but I am forced to. Let lethargy take me over to an eternal sleep.

My sole motivation is the fact I’ve transcended from livng hell before. Perhaps, again it can happen. I hope, at least, I make it happen.

“I want to taste you but your lips are venemous poison” – Alice Cooper

– Logish

h1

Letter To My Grandfather

2007 January 23, 3:41 am

Dear Ah Kong,

it was today that you left for the next journey nine years before. I was one of your favourite grandchildren. Do I, however, even know if you’d still love me the same for what I have become? Have I become your shame?

I live some days in fear of being left forlorn by those I love. I can’t help but detach myself. It’d be easier for me to leave them than for them to scorn and eventually leave me.

I think about you sometimes, but what use would it be when you are no longer here. Am I naive to think that if you were still here, I’d be loved as I am? I keep my questions going but never will they be answered. As much as I wish you were here my tears will not revive you.

Nonetheless, perhaps from the grave, you’d know this – I love and miss you. At this age, this seems so profane a thing to say but I mean it as it is.

P.S. Wherever you are I hope understanding transcends language.

Your Grandson,

Logen Lanka

h1

Back Off, I’m A Thorn In Your Flesh

2007 January 17, 8:16 pm

When I was still schooling, you told me you only grumble about school grades. That was a lie. Years ago you told me you would not meddle in my personal decisions. But that too was a lie.

You feign openness just to lure me to the open, but once again its just fake parental bullshit. Don’t worry I won’t place a burden upon you. Sooner than you know, I’ll be gone.

Why don’t you just come out straight with me. Tell me that our relationship is built upon conditional love. I’d rather be hurt this once than the many times I have been hurt; it isn’t nice to keep nicking a fresh scar…

If there be a next time, think more than twice if what you want, is a child or a mirror. The latter is cheaper, easier to deal with and when broken – years of bad luck. The former, on the other hand, is the opposite – the shame of your flesh when unbroken.

No longer do I need anyone. This, I gave up long ago…

– Logish